I'm not a horrible person, am I??

So my grandfather, Pops as we call him, has cancer. He found out around Thanksgiving and told the family (individually) after Christmas. He didn't want to "ruin" the holidays. He also said he didn't want people to treat him any differently, and I've tried to honor that request. Other family members, for their own personal reasons, have decided now's the time to stay in constant contact with Pops. Whatever, that's their demon to concur. I still make my monthly calls, just like before I found out. If he wants to talk about things, we'll talk. He'll ask me questions about some of the drugs he's taking or tests that have been performed, and he's the only person I don't play "dumb nurse" with.

When he first told me, I was so proud of myself for not breaking down & crying relentlessly...I saved it for later that night, in bed, with David holding me tightly, trying to smother my pain. I've offered support and advice, as unbiasedly as I'm able. And, like I said, I try not to treat him any differently.

But now I'm wondering if I'm a bad person, an unloving granddaughter, for not spending as much time as I can with him. Truth be told, I can't. It hurts too damn much. I've watched people die for too many years now, seen the heartbreak in families' eyes when momma, wife, daddy, husband dies. And I like being there to support the family, but am extremely grateful that I get to leave the situation. I can't do that with Pops. I have to face it, and I'm too chickenshit. I'm not strong enough. And I'm too selfish. I want him to live forever and never leave me and not cause me any pain. Now that I've said it out loud, it sounds like I'm even more horrible than I originally thought.

I have to remember how he feels, how my dear Grandmother must feel. How his children, my aunts & uncle must feel. I know how my mother feels; she calls Pops everyday, and then sometimes, she'll call me for "Cancer Q&A". She forces me to face reality, to accept his diagnosis, to listen to the knowledge I have, and to know he will leave me. Not that he wants to, because he's putting up a helluva fight! GO POPS GO!!!

He started chemotherapy this Spring and has done extremely well. He has some bad days but also a lot of good days. But the bad days are getting closer together & lasting longer. Stupid cancer. I think it's getting time for me to face the music, suck it up & be a big girl. but I don't want toPops at my house for Grandmother's Birthday Dinner
April 20, 2008